Approximately a 3-minute read

Hello!

In 2019, I was standing in the outfield at Dodger Stadium during batting practice, talking with a player who was navigating some difficulty, both on and off the field. I meant to help him, but I wasn’t doing a very good job.

My recommendations and advice were falling on deaf ears. He rejected every single one.

I remember thinking, "What’s the point of even talking about this if you don’t want to listen?"

Then, as a last-ditch effort, I asked him a question: “If your best friend were going through exactly what you’re going through right now, what would you tell him?”

In that moment, everything changed. He said: “I’d tell him to focus on what he can control. I’d remind him of all the hard things he’s already overcome. I’d tell him this is temporary and to just take it one day at a time.”

I remember thinking, "That’s a great answer!"

And then I had the realization: The advice he wouldn’t accept from me was already inside of him. He just needed a question to help him find it.

After he gave his answer, he abruptly walked away without any closure. In fact, we never revisited the conversation again. But things ultimately turned out well for him.

That day, I walked away having learned something that has changed the way I try to help people:

People don’t always need my answers.

Sometimes, they need help finding their own.

When someone we care about is struggling, our instinct is often to fix. We tell them what we think they should do. We share what worked for us. We give them solutions.

But the more we talk, the less ownership they may feel over the solution.

A good question does something different.

It gives them a shovel.

Instead of digging up the answer for them, you give them a tool to uncover what they may already know.

That’s why, when I feel myself rushing to give advice, I try to remember this acronym: W.A.I.T.

Why Am I Talking?

Before giving someone another answer, pause and ask yourself:

Is there a question I could ask instead?

You might be surprised by what they already know.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for someone isn’t to give them the answer.

It’s to ask the question that helps them find their own.

Try it for yourself:

The next time someone comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to immediately give advice.

Instead, try this:

1- W.A.I.T. Ask yourself: Why Am I Talking?

Ask one question before offering a solution.

• “If your best friend were in this situation, what would you tell them?”
• “What do you think you need to do next?”
• “What part of this can you control?”
• “If you trusted yourself, what would you do?”

2- Listen without rescuing. Give them enough space to think through their own answer before you add yours.

Your goal isn’t to solve the problem for them. Give them the shovel. See what they uncover.

Final Self-Reflection Question:

"Instead of giving your opinion, what's a good question you could ask?"

Until next week,

Justin

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